evolving

Volume 21.

It’s been a minute. I know. Yet, here we are again. Thank God.

Writing is a sort of sustenance for me, much like food or water. I need it to exist. To be me. To feel okay in my skin. Whether that’s writing for my private journal or this Substack, it fills my cup and helps me make sense of my place in the world. Yet, for whatever insane reason, I often deprive myself of its nourishing powers. I know it will bring clarity, make me feel better, and give me life, but sometimes I just can’t bring myself to sit down and do it. You could say I have been fasting, yet unlike a food or water fast, which is typically accompanied by physical, mental, and spiritual benefits, these writing fasts bring the complete opposite. They create a hole in the fiber of my being, leaving me flailing like a torn flag ripping in a squall of self-imposed melancholy and confusion. Yet, no matter how many times I tell myself I wont let it happen, my stubborn ass seems to charge into the storm time and time again.

Over the past two and a half months, I have continued to journal almost daily, but I haven’t written for the Substack or worked on any of my other ongoing writing projects. While I have continued to journal during this time, even it has felt lackluster. Partially because, and what scares me, I have felt like I have had nothing to say. The root of all artistry is voice, whatever the medium, and to feel like I have had no voice is probably the most horrifying thing for my writing, my creativity, and my entire well-being. From anyone doing creative work, really. It’s like my mind has been blank and my creativity stores zapped. Like I have been in afterschool detention, standing in the corner of the classroom with my nose smushed against the wall and evil Mrs. Procrastination from fourth-period algebra breathing down my neck. Not a fun place to be, yet, bottom line, I put myself there. Again.

I have a lot of goals. A lot of projects I want to see through. Both personally and professionally. I know I will require a bit of internal and external evolution to conquer those projects. Adapt, grow, and overcome. So, in a roundabout way, I guess the topic I am trying to draw from this spiel is discipline and evolution and the importance of a “just do it” or “just get started” mentality while pursuing one’s goals. Most importantly, when you want to do it least.

I am well aware that I am not alone in this struggle. Whether doing creative work or tearing up the dead bushes in the yard, we often put off doing the work we know will make us feel better about ourselves and move closer to accomplishing our goals. We tell ourselves the big lie that we will do it tomorrow. That might be due to procrastination, laziness, apathy, or quite possibly, even fear. I feel a bit of them all. Just as tearing out the old bushes to plant a new garden is the first step in beginning to transform the yard into the one of our dreams, and while it is often the most challenging piece to motivate ourselves to do, the dirty work is the most crucial part in the process of evolution. Doing things we don’t want to do despite the dark voices in our head is precisely what we need to do, have to do, if we want to see our dreams become a reality. And for me, with writing, that is often to just feel okay in my own skin.

All that said, even when I feel most dead inside, when I start doing whatever I feel polarized about, things usually work out. I find a rhythm. I get in a groove, and whatever I am trying to do starts to work for me now that I have agreed to work for it. It's like, have you ever dreaded going to the gym, but then you get there and have a fantastic workout? Or had anxiety about a social event, then show up, and all of a sudden, you find yourself having an absolute ball? The same thing happens for me with writing. Like I know, in my bones, that if I sit down and start, the likelihood the muses of the pen hear my call and come to my aid grows exponentially. It’s almost like magic. Once I am willing to help myself and take action for my self-improvement, the Gods of encouragement and inspiration tip their hat and come galloping on their noble white steeds.

The hardest part is always getting started. Taking that first step. Even when I know that first step is all it takes to start the wheels spinning and get the train plowing full steam ahead in no time. It might sound easy, but like momma always said, simple is ain't always simple does.

It’s not even about whether the writing is good or not. It's about the process and action. It is a release—a catharsis. The anxiety settles, and before I know it, I feel like myself again—my perspective shifts. Just sitting here this afternoon typing away on my laptop in the shop makes me feel better about myself. This post may be total shit, but it feels good doing it, and that is all that matters—laying down words. Throwing coal on the fire to keep the steam engine running.

Since I got sober in 2018, I have prided myself on discipline. Being vigilant in my morning routine, diet, running, and forcing myself to do big scary things. While every decision doesn’t have to be a big scary life-altering thing like signing up for an IRONMAN or moving across the country and starting a hat shop, marching into the fear is the backbone on which all my successes lie, particularly on the days I want to do it the least. Like with doing the IRONMAN, there were a zillion days I didn’t want to wake up and train, but I did. Or when I wake up today, and the last thing I want to do is look at a hat. Much less even work on one. But I do my best to show up for myself. That said, it doesn’t mean all those days are rosy and rainbows. Some days were a victory simply because I showed up at the pool or laced up my running shoes and walked out the door. The same goes for my morning routine. I start setting my alarm later and later, and before I know it, I've lost that special sauce worth the 5 am alarm. The beauty and satisfaction in the discipline evaporates.

Over the past six months or so, I feel I have let down my guard. My discipline has slipped. I have overlooked the importance of just showing up for myself. Back to the work itself, like it doesn’t even matter if what I’m doing is worth a damn. If I have my best run or workout or write something I am proud of. The real victory is that I gave it an honest effort. With this comes failure, bundled and bound in a million different ways, but in reality, the only failure would be if I had not attempted at all. I forget this, and beat myself up because I don’t feel like a shining star everyday, but in retrospect, the gains and progress made on those shitty days is just as valuable, if not more, than the days I feel like a million bucks. The existential nourishment is in the work itself—the action.

I tend to load my plate to the point of overflowing that I often don’t know where to start and thus get nothing done at all. I have a million things I want to do and accomplish, but I get overwhelmed. Like on Thanksgiving, when you fill your plate with a bit of everything, then find yourself staring at a mountain of delicious food, unable to pick what you want to eat first. I know that metaphor is a bit silly, but it is how I often feel. I was on the phone with my dad this morning describing this feeling, realizing the issue here is prioritization. I so frequently eat what I want to first (all the sides, of course) and not what I should eat (prioritize protein, so they say) and fill up before I get to the main event, the turkey and dressing, the goals that are the most important to me. To compound this issue, while I have this mountain of food in front of me, I am already thinking about dessert. Go figure.

Without prioritization, discipline is virtually impossible and irrelevant. The goals will never be met if I continue to wander through each day without a set plan. I have learned I am, without a doubt, a creature of habit. I do so well with routine and a set schedule, yet I often fall out of practice or find myself slipping and get overwhelmed. So, to combat this, I sat down and wrote out the most important things and when I would work towards them. I feel better already. I have a plan. “Concepts of a plan,” at least. Lol.

Substack, for instance. I haven’t written for Substack in almost three months, but the satisfaction and clarity that writing here brings me is next to none. I don’t know why, but it just does. Maybe it’s because, at the moment, it is my most “formal” way to process and share what is going on in my world and my head, and with that comes a sense of pride and achievement. Also, nothing is more gratifying than when my writing resonates with readers. Some of the messages I have received from readers that relate to my feelings make it all the more worthwhile. That said, it needs to be a priority. More than it has been the last several months, at least.

As for making writing more of a priority, that might look like setting aside a quiet hour in the shop after lunch to write. Precisely what I am doing now. Hopefully, I will make a little progress, and then I can return to working on hats, as writing is not my ONLY priority, remember. The business has to run, hats have to be made, and the show must go on. It may sound and feel elementary, but it is this simple discipline I have recently lost that has historically allowed me to juggle all the things I want to accomplish. Recently, I have been delusional, thinking I am a Cirque du Soleil aerial acrobat capable of doing flips on the trapeze when I’m hardly prepared to do a mf’ing cartwheel. It's all about the baby steps, and those baby steps then lead to giant leaps. Like the SEALS say, “slow is smooth, smooth is fast.” When I am organized and disciplined, carving out appropriate time to do what I need to do, not only do I feel less stressed and anxious, but I get shit done.

As for the evolution, nothing changes if nothing changes. Continue doing the same thing and expect the SAME results. Whereas, me, and my madness, perpetuate the ignorance in doing the same thing over and over and expecting DIFFERENT results. The very definition of insanity. I did this for years, drinking and using. You would think I would have learned by now. I’m stubborn, remember, so it is no wonder I have felt so bottled and bouncing recently. I have been a living embodiment of lunacy. Again. Such a familiar place. Longing and yearning for more and for things to miraculously get done or be different when I have taken no clear directive action towards accomplishing those things or making any semblance of change. I can hear it now, straight from the lips of my middle school football coach, “prior proper planning prevents piss poor performance.” I have been banging my head against the same wall, expecting a miracle to fall into my lap. Much to my chagrin, shit just don’t happen that way.

So what am I doing about it? Action. Work. Discipline. Change. Trying new things. Forcing myself out of my comfort zone more. Letting go of my ego. Evolving. Why? Because if I am not willing to advocate and take action for myself, then I probably don’t deserve whatever it is I am chasing to begin with. As I have said from the start, if I want to accomplish my goals, grow the business, work with brands I admire, and so on, I need to scream my name as loud as I can from the tallest mountain I can find. It is the only way for a little guy like me to get noticed. And for clarity, that doesn’t mean actually screaming, or being obnoxious in my marketing and presentation, but more so showing up for myself and doing the damn work and through the work, I just might be recognized.

What does that work look like? It means doubling down on my actual craft, hatmaking. Improving and honing my skills. Being the best hatmaker I can be. It means getting out in the community more and doing more pop-ups and events. Making new connections. Friends. Etc. It means doubling down on my social media content and being consistent. Spreading the love across all factions of that content. Hats, hatmaking, fashion, style, life, philosophy, and writing. It means creating a plan and schedule for things like these Substack posts and sticking to it. For example, when I first started Substack, I published every other Friday, and it was a great routine for me. It forced me to do the work even when I didn’t feel like it. I want to get back to that. It is not only great for me mentally to process these crazy thoughts but also an additional outlet and form of content to expand my reach. That, and I just like doing it. I love writing.

The work also looks like trying new things. Keep experimenting, and if I am lucky, maybe something will stick. I realize it’s possible that a thing I might not have given enough thought or energy to before could be the very thing that catches fire and changes my business. For instance, I recently bought a clothing rack and introduced a small collection of vintage pieces in the shop. Clothing and shoes, that is. One more thing that might get folks into the shop. Come in for the clothes, and then maybe you find a hat you like. Or vice versa. I sorta feel like the two things go hand in hand. And I just love vintage. At this point, basically my entire wardrobe has come from eBay, lol. So far, I have sold a couple of pieces, but I plan to continue to grow this offering and curate more cool and interesting pieces.

Additionally, I have committed to two pop-ups in town over the next few months. While I am aware this is arguably one of the most important, if not the most important, tools for the growth of the brand, it is one I struggle to see through. For one, it is a TON of work to prepare and set up, and two, finding the right partners and opportunities for which my brand, my product, and its elevated price point aligns has been difficult. That said, these two pop-ups are spot-on brand and could be great for me and my exposure in Nashville. I will share more about them later, but one will be with a brand I have long admired and have already pitched collaboration ideas to. The other is a very reputable vintage guitar shop in town that is going to be the first retail partner to carry my hats outside of my shop. Super exciting, as the number of artists, musicians, and celebrities that funnel through these places, particularly the guitar shop, is tremendous, and while it may sound shallow, the truth of the matter is that one hat, one mf’ing hat, could change everything for me. As a motivational tool, when I feel discouraged, I try to remind myself that all it takes is one. The right person, at the right time, in the right place, wearing one of my hats, could change my entire business. I can’t quit before the magic happens, right?

I know I have been blabbering about getting what I am calling “Shop Sounds” (the music series in my shop, sorta like NPR’s Tiny Desk Concert) off the ground for a while, but I think we are getting close. Just need to set a date. A musician buddy of mine who is also helping with sound for the production will be our guinea pig. We plan on shooting him first to dial in the sound and visuals, then move to bring in the first guest for the series. One I believe and hope will help the series make a big splash.

Lastly, regarding change and trying new things, I have been toying heavily with the idea of starting a YouTube channel. Possibly the most ambitious goal in this self-promoted evolution. I know it will be a mountain of work and take me way out of my comfort zone, but I believe the benefits to be reaped here are limitless. As far as I know, there is no YouTube hatmaker/vlogger. I think it is a golden opportunity. The channel would feature and detail the ins and outs of hatmaking and building the brand, as well as more intimate and personal subjects like my day-to-day life, passions, interests, and George of course, hah. It would be very much like a visual journal and diary. Why? Because so many of the creators and brands I admire built their audiences this way. I love watching and following along on their journeys, and the more vulnerable, long-form content has endeared me to them and their cause. I feel like I can do the same. I also think it could be an additional release similar to what Substack is to me and could expand my reach because these days, not everyone reads, but everyone watches videos.

Business has been slow since the beginning of the year, and it has been discouraging, to say the least. I have been a bit depressed, and it has me questioning everything and feeling somewhat like a failure. Where have I gone wrong? How have I fallen short? What changes need to be made to grow and improve? My conclusion, I have to do something different. I have to try something new. I have to evolve. I have to do more and be more. A lot more. Do better and be better. A lot better. I have to take action. I have to be intentional in my actions. Be disciplined. Prioritize. Chart a path and stay the course. I can't rest on my laurels any longer, waiting for folks to hopefully find me or randomly wander into the shop. Hence the inspiration of this post. I must evolve, and quickly, so if you need me, you can find me on the tallest mountain with a megaphone, hollering my name. Working. Evolving.